With Super Tuesday finally here, and I say finally so the ads will cut down until the general election run starts up, we can now get an idea who might be each party’s nominee.
With that in mind, it is time for me to make my announcement, that I might someday announce, a run for President of The United States of America on a write-in basis during the upcoming general election. I stand on a firm platform of the following key ideas and another platform made out of wood and stuff so people can see me when I talk:
Religion: I believe everybody should have some. If you don’t have some, go get it. It’s intoxicating, but not in a “can’t operate a motor vehicle” kind of way. It’s just really cool.
Abortion Rights: I stand firmly on the side you do. That’s right. You are reading this and I believe whatever you do. It’s ok. Don’t be confused. It means you are thinking about it way to hard. This works for every other candidate so let it go.
Same-sex Marriage: I believe that we are getting off the subject with this issue. The actually, original bill introduced to Congress was to ban “Some-sex Marriages” and was written by a legislator who was 92 years-old and near death. I understand why he would want to band some sex in marriage: he might croak. However, I am firmly against banning “Some-sex” in marriage and am backed by my running mate (*shameless blog plug for wife: http://www.vontinney.blogspot.com/*). Unless, of course, she is mad at me. Then, she flip-flops on the issue and is a part of the “No Sex In Marriage” caucus who once introduced the “Don’t Even Speak To Me” bill in 2004.
The National Deficit: We have one at my house so why not at the White House? Seriously, though, this is important stuff. I have developed an economic stimulus plan to get this rough economy back on its feet. If you would like to read more on my plan just go to http://www.pleasedonatetotheuseconomyoryouwillbedeported.com/. Don’t be intimidated by the “now searching your computer for banking, credit, and immigration information” pop-up window. Unless you are here illegally, then I would recommend you run away screaming.
Illegal Aliens: This is complete bunk. We are spending millions, if not billions of U. S. Taxpayer money on stopping these so called “Illegal Aliens” from entering the United States. I am appalled. First, how do we really know they are here illegally? Just because YOU didn’t invite them doesn’t prove anything. Second, how are we supposed to stop them, huh? Do you KNOW how very fast those flying saucers are? Geesh.
Healthcare Reform: Let me just state for the record that this is what I believe to be the most important issue out there today. After a careful viewing of “Sicko” by Michael Moore, I am convinced that the U. S. Healthcare System is in trouble. I was especially disgusted by the scene showing how expensive a simple surgery can be. I guess all the blood was bothering me or something. Anyway, I believe the U. S. Government should provide healthcare coverage to every single American citizen. Now, you may be thinking, “Wow, Frank, that’s got to be expensive. How are you going to pay for all that?” Well, dear friend, I’m glad you asked. Please send ideas on how to pay for it to: firstname.lastname@example.org cause I don’t have a clue.
My fellow Americans, as we approach the November election, please let me clearly state my position: I am sitting down. If I stand when I type, I get a terrible back-ache.
Furthermore, I promise to promise often. I’m all about change. I want to bring change to America. Not the kind of change you don’t want, but the change you probably might like. Change is good. Change is what we need, and I promise to bring change. I promise to change my promise so that we can keep change alive. Damn am I confused, are you? Good.
Anyway… when you go to vote, either for Super Tuesday today or in November, just remember I am running. Well, I’ll probably be mostly walking, but I promise to do it really fast. I am a candidate for the people, by the people, and who is a people. A vote for me is a vote for change, promises, and other really neat stuff, like making all DirecTV Pay-per-view events free and banning nude sun-bathing in retirement communities.
I further promise never to make stupid remarks and fumble over my words during a press conference unless I am blazing drunk. Hey, the current guy does it sober, so that’s a change, right? Say yes to change.
God bless each and every one of you (except those of you who drive really slowly on the freeways and the guy who cut me off yesterday morning).
Now get out there and vote.