Friday, September 12, 2008

Pigs, Politics, and The Real Issues

You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. This comment from Obama started a spiral staircase to crazy town only a mere number of hours before the 7th anniversary of the horrible attacks of 9/11/2001. It is fair to assume that the only reason this all calmed down so quickly was because of the observance of that anniversary.

Otherwise, we'd probably still have pundits speculating over the lipstick color and daring to predict what eye shadow might match. Thank God - we never got to the blush (I'm horrible with blush!). Anyway... I would like to take some time here to breakdown the political issues that we are facing and line-up, truly, what these candidates, McCain and Obama, are showing us with just a handful of weeks before the big vote.

I would like to thank both camps for focusing on the issues as we draw close to a vote. It would appear the issues that voters are most concerned about, such as economic turmoil, energy crisis, and the housing slump, are not “the issues,” however. How stupid of us, the voters, to be completely off base in what we are focusing on. Here, just to set you straight and get you ready to vote on the actual issues, are the candidates issue focuses:

Is John McCain going to die immediately upon taking office? This is a top issue for the Obama campaign. I concluded this because their entire strategy seems to center around proving that Obama is a stronger candidate for President than Sarah Palin. They have attacked her record, her experience, and her nasal tone while giving speeches. Well, maybe not her nasal tone, but everything else. So, voters, the real issue according the Democrats is: When John McCain croaks during an acceptance speech, will we wish we had gone for Obama or be happy with Palin?

What would Jesus do? Obama supporters and/or staffers have compared Obama to Jesus and Sarah Palin to Pontius Pilot. For those who are Bible phobic, Jesus died for our sins a sinless man and Pontius Pilot decided, in party with other influences, to kill him. The comment made was that Jesus was like a community organizer, like Obama, and Pontius Pilot was a governor, as is Palin. So, when you go to vote the simple issue here is this: Do you vote for the McCain/Palin ticket, that includes a person that, according to Democrats would kill the savior of the world and greatest community organizer of all time, or do you vote for Obama/Biden, a ticket that includes a man who is just like Jesus? So – the real issue here is do you elect an old guy and a possible executioner, or do you elect a Messiah and an old guy. If you take the old guys out of the equation, it’s pretty lopsided in favor of the Democrats. Another benefit is that if something happens to Obama, he would, presumably, just rise from the grave and resume governing. At least we don’t have to fear Biden then, right? Thank you Democrats for bringing this issue where it belongs in the forefront. This is why you people keep me around: To explain the hard stuff.

Is Joe Biden Invisible? The only way you can find Biden on this Democratic ticket is on Google. We haven’t seen a candidate this elusive and unseen as a Vice President or candidate since James S. Sherman who was a sitting Vice President up for re-election. Sherman, however, was actually dead, thus explaining his relative absence during campaign stops. The only thing I am relatively sure of at this point is that Biden is not actually dead, so, the theory that he is physically able to make himself invisible except when speaking is viable. He appeared briefly to give a talk to a small group on the topic “Hilary Clinton Should Have Been Picked Instead of Me!” This rousing speech included references to Hillary being more qualified and a better choice for VP on the Democratic ticket than he himself was. Word has it Obama has requested “continuous invisibility” from the VP candidate until after the election.

The real facts are unimportant – just ask the news media. If you judge what is important about this election based on their expert feedback, then we should elect the candidates who have the best one-liners, zingers, and accusatory tones. I mean, it’s getting very confusing. Consider this:

Obama was for Change and Hope. Now McCain is all bout Real Change. Obama, sensing his Change and Hope was absconded by McCain, has now decided it is about Change, but not McCain’s kind of Change, which is really More of The Same. So McCain is about Change Now, Real Change, and Changing Some Stuff. This is forcing Obama to be about a Different Kind of Change and Hope has completely dropped off the radar. I’m guessing Hope is with Biden who is Hoping he doesn’t get dropped from the ticket in favor of Hillary Clinton, who is Hoping he does because the Change means she’s back in it. So now we are all just Hoping that somebody will Change something so we can get our mortgage caught up, but I’m starting to believe the lipstick pig thing applies all the way around.

You see these candidates, as we all know, are no different than the sets that have come before them with the exception of some groundbreaking facts about their race and/or sex. They want what we want! They are just like you and me! Biden rides the subway all the time and Palin has a big family to care for. McCain is going to croak really soon, so he understands our fears, and Obama was a community organizer just like Jesus – so he knows we are all sinners and we need him.

Folks – as the day to decide draws near, I will continue to bring some insightful information about all of the candidates and the issues. Let’s make an informed decision. Let’s get the best of the worst, er. I mean the best candidate we can.

By the way… if anyone sees Joe Biden, tell him not to be so hard on himself about that Hillary Clinton thing. It’s not like we expect him to be perfect or anything – after all – he was never a community organizer.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Two things:

1. Today is dedicated to the memory of the 9/11 tragedy - the victims, family, and all who felt the pain of that day.

2. Dedicating to writing on my blog on a regular basis. If you are checking in and reading this on 9/11/2008 - keep coming back - the funny is coming...