Thursday, January 24, 2008

Mice, Hamster, Guinea Pigs – Come one Come all - Just bring ear plugs dude…

Well, it’s been a little while since my last blog posting so let me bring everyone (that means the one person who reads this: My Wife) up to date.

Unemployed (not great)
Christmas (great)
Unemployed some more (panic attacks, fear, dread, various self-imposed guilt-ridden illnesses)
New Years (ok, except still unemployed and now drunk)
Got a job… sort of… just doesn’t pay for, oh, 45 days. Is that bad?
Got a part-time job (hey! Why have just one! Besides: I love Pizza)

Wow… that sure felt a lot longer in real life. Anyway…

If John Steinbeck re-wrote “Of Mice and Men” he would probably have to call it “Of Mice, Hamsters, Guinea Pigs and other Assorted Screaming Adults” in order to capture the overall picture at my house.

We have a hamster to care for (We here meaning: Adults Clean up/Kids laugh and point). Not a big deal. She doesn’t bite unless provoked (I have extremely small boxing gloves for this and it takes a while), eats very little, and generally stays to herself.

Recently, however, we added a couple of new occupants. Not by choice, mind you, yet here they are hanging out and eating brownies (more on the brownies later). Their arrival has been documented in detail on my wife’s blog (; however, as usual, I have my own version.

Whilst hard at work in her office/scrapbook/therapy room, my wife heard a faint scratching sound. It is my belief that God has built into women an innate, yet hidden until needed, ability to hear a mouse chewing/scraping its way into any house within 400 miles of said woman. Therefore, even with a three-year-old as loud as any ever heard, washer running nearby, two basset hounds panting around, one spring spaniel fiddling around somewhere, and other general household noises going on simultaneously… My dear wife heard a ‘scraping sound’ that any man would have mistaken for ‘complete silence’ given the same situation. Being the mature, experienced, and controlled adult that she is, she immediately called me, 35 miles away, for assistance from a safe location (chair).

What happened next will forever go down in the annals of history as the “Screams Heard Round the World.” In fact, for those of you somewhere on the east coast of the United States or Canada, let me be the first to apologize: that was not a herd of 1,000 smallish animals being simultaneously stabbed with a sharp object in a mass attack the other day. It was:

My spouse screaming into her cell phone – and consequently – my ear,
My three-year-old daughter screaming when she didn’t know why yet, and
Two small mice making a different noise than they have ever made upon being confronted by the decibels described above. I would imagine they made a small poop, too.

I had the misfortune of being on the phone when the ‘scratching sound’ became ‘a running across the room’ mouse, followed by a close friend or relative who, no doubt, ran because of the screaming though he/she/it had originally intended to hide. One can only imagine, even in the brain of such a small creature, the shear panic that ensues when you are simply out for a warm spot to sleep or a bite to eat and you are confronted with such a situation. It might have gone something like this:

Mouse 1: Hey, is that light up there? Let’s go up through there and see if there’s a warm place to sleep or some food.

Mouse 2: ok

Mouse 1: (Upon making it through the hole behind the bookshelf with his friend, safe from view) I’ll go this way and you look that way.

Mouse 2: ok


Mouse 1: Small poop and near heart failure.

Mouse 2: (To Mouse 1 once they reach the relative calm of the closet together): I hate you for this!

Anyway… many screams, of varying pitch and duration, have followed (again: see wife’s blog; however, I am happy to report that one of the attackers was recently caught in a non-humane (read here: dead) trap and disposed of (yes… my wife truly makes killer brownies).

I would imagine it was Mouse 1 only because after multiple confrontations, and screams, Mouse 2 actually pulled a revenge murder on Mouse 1 for getting her into this situation and stuffed the body into the trap in hopes of appeasing my wife. Note to Mouse 2: Homicide did not appease screaming person with broom, but thanks for the help.

So there you have it… oh… and in other news…

My wife and daughter, who have been living in fear of these small mice for days, went out today and picked up some new pets: Two big, hairy rodent-like Guinea Pigs. Go figure…

Until next time… Average Joe


vontinney said...

OK...FIRST OFF the guinea pigs were practically free-if you don't take advantage of the situation and you're going to get them anyway, why not do it on the cheap?! time I'm leaving the dead mouse for you to take out in the dark when you get home! HA!

rebecca said...

Did you guys finally get the mice??? I need more stories!!!