“Dear Constituents” or “Hey you”

My desire to stay out of the current race for President of The United States is fading. As I watch the actions, in-actions, re-actions, and other-actions of the current candidates, I am left with one prevailing thought:

“Should I have worn this tie today because it doesn’t seem to match my shirt very well?”

Wait. Sorry. That’s the wrong thought. Here it is:

“How can we avoid going to hell in a hand-basket if any of these possible nominees actually win?”

The answer, as I’m quickly discovering, is only by way of a miracle, such as during the general election in November, everyone forgets to show-up and we are left to pick straws, thereby giving me a pretty good shot because I have a lot of straws. I really like the bendy ones with stripes on them. I have tons of those!

In all seriousness, however, I have pulled some strings and managed to get an off-the-record debate live via satellite into my studio office and spouse’ scrap booking room (*shameless plug for wife’s blog: http://www.vontinney.blogspot.com/). Here, if it had actually happened, might have been the transcript of such a debate:

Moderator: “Hello everybody and welcome to Von’s scrap booking room,” (moderator interrupted by Candidate Frank, who whispers something to him over the cutter and nearly knocks off the Craft Robo), “sorry about that folks, from the Campaign Office of Candidate Frank Tinney. This debate is sponsored by:”

ROLL COMMERCIAL FOR THE ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP AND ENDORSEMENT BY DANA WHITE, OWNER AND PRESIDENT OF THE UFC!

Moderator: “Welcome back. Our first question is from an undecided voter in Wilmot, Kansas. He asks: What should I have for dinner? I can’t decide?”

McCain: “Have the Roast Beef. NO! Make that the Soup. Yes. Soup is good.”
Romney: “There you go again, flip-flopping.”
Clinton: “Let me just say, when I am President, I will tell everyone what they should eat and how they should eat it. I plan on heading up a government task force on diet control and putting 1.5Gazillion dollars into a fund and signing a bill into law enforcing diet control.”
Me: “Food”
Obama: “I stand for change. Now let’s change the subject ‘cause I’m starving.”

Moderator: “Our next question is from an elderly woman in Florida – What do you plan to do to fix social security?”

Obama: “I’m going to bring change to social security. Yup. All about change, people.”
McCain: “I bet you can’t even change a light bulb. Have you ever shot a man and watched him die? You aren’t qualified to be President.”
Romney: “I’m proposing a tax cut. Wait? What was the question?”
Clinton: “Let me just say, when I am President, I’m going to give old people, like this lady right here, money. I mean lots of money. Blazing piles of burning cash exceeding 25.5Gazillion dollars on day one.”
Me: “Social Security is broke? Already? I’m not even fifty yet.”

Moderator: “Thank you all. Our next question comes from a caller outside the United States who has asked to be identified only as O.B’Laden, an undecided voter, who is calling from “a cave in the middle east” – He asks - If you are elected as President, will you stop chasing suspected, but not confirmed, terrorist leaders into caves and bombing them until they are deaf?”

Clinton: “Let me just say, when I am President, I plan to bomb everyone with money. I mean just crazy, money falling from the sky, money bombs where everyone is as filthy rich as I am and all the poor people won’t have to live in caves anyway because the United States government will just bleed money on them. From day one of my Presidency. At least 987.5Gazillion in money bombs Daily.”
Obama: “I am going to change the way we bomb terrorists because America, we need change now.”
Romney: “You always talk so quietly. How is this deaf guy in a cave half way around the world going to hear you? I WILL BOMB YOU TO DEATH SO DON’T WORRY ABOUT YOUR HEARING ANYMORE!”
McCain: “You bunch of wimps. You’ve never stabbed a man in the face seventy-two times, danced the jig on his corpse, and raised the American flag by using his ribs for a stand in your lives. I’ll bomb terrorists so much, we’ll exceed that 987.5Gazillion Clinton over there is talking about in explosive device purchases alone. Wussies”
Me: “Bomb? Are you sure he didn’t say “Bong” ‘cause he sounds really high?”

Moderator: “We just got word that our first caller is no longer undecided and has picked the Frank Tinney campaign, the second caller has decided to support doctor-assisted suicide legislature in her state, and our third undecided caller is ready to vote for Ms. Clinton or any other Clinton on the ticket.”

“Are there any parting comments from any of the candidates?”

McCain: “I’ll arm wrestle anyone of you weaklings for the White House right here and now.”
Romney: “Vote for me so you don’t get the nutcase.”
Me: “Which nutcase?”
Clinton: “Let me just say, when I am President, I will be the best nutcase of the bunch. I will setup a trust of 999Gazillion dollars to look into nutcases, improve nutcases, and make America the top producer of nutcases. Thank you.”
Obama: “I think we should change the word nutcase and spell it n-u-t-k-a-s because change is important. I’m going to go change my socks right now.”

This debate makes several things clear and obvious:

1. I am THE best candidate if you consider sanity.
2. McCain is dangerous in a cantankerous neighbor who chases kids out of his yard with a shotgun sort of way.
3. Romney is scared, physically, of McCain. And of Clinton, too. So am I.
4. Clinton is going to spend some money, but at least she is letting us know how she plans to pay… oh, never mind.
5. Obama stands for change, change, change, and women on buses because he’s really polite.

So, for those of you who have not yet voted in a delegate election, remember how to spell my name for a write in. Just be sure and use permanent marker if you are voting on one of those touch-screen things so the guy behind you doesn’t erase it.

Thank you.